“What you need, above all else, is a love for your subject, whatever it is. You’ve got to be so deeply in love with your subject that when curve balls are thrown, when hurdles are put in place, you’ve got the energy to overcome them.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson
This week was a lesson in curve balls. I’ve gotten better at handling the bumps in the road but sometimes I get laid flat out. After this whole year feeling like an uphill climb and things recently starting to improve… I don’t think the universe is out to get me but it sure feels like it. Luckily, I’m in a better position now than in January to deal with financial set backs and disappointments. The problem comes when they happen and I’m not emotionally ready it affects everything. I don’t want to create, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to move. Crawling up into a ball feels like the best choice to make and that’s where I want to stay for the remainder of the day. Is it reasonable? Does it help me in any way whatsoever to wallow? I don’t know, but I do have a rule.
I only get 24 hours to wallow and then I have to get my shit together and deal. For me, ignoring disappointment, anger, and frustration is a recipe for disaster so this serves as a way for me to sort through them. I don’t want to put those emotions into my work as it never comes out right. The only medium where it does work for me is dance but it isn’t always possible for me to leave that raw energy on the dance floor. So I have to work through as much of it as I can since I don’t have the luxury of time to let it rule my whole mood for days on end. Also, I don’t like feeling that way.
I’m feeling a lot better than I did and am back to my usual optimistic disposition. I’m so grateful I have my work – my art – to return to after a shock. Whether it serves as a distraction or a solution to my problem doesn’t matter as long as I have it. This is why I’m able to keep going when any reasonable person would say it’s understandable to quit. I can’t quit. I don’t know how.
Image | Tim Mossholder