The year 2025 was a lot of things and for me it was an example of what life looks like when my physical and emotional stability gets shaken beyond safe working limits. Starting around mid-year, on the heels of my move to a new apartment, the fragile sense of security and routine I had carved out in the two years prior was shattered. By the end of August I was warning all of my loved ones that the emotional thread I was hanging by was as thin as spider silk. However, occasions were risen to, expectations were exceeded, and at the end of it all I didn’t feel accomplished. I felt drained. It wasn’t any one thing that shook my foundation. Instead, the proverbial fan was on turbo speed and the shit had hit it and nearly everything else.

I made it through but I did not do it gracefully. I did not keep a stiff upper lip. I cried and I bitched because I have a right to complain especially when I’m still taking care of business. I’m not encouraged or reassured because things could be worse. That doesn’t make the experience better for me – only sad and angrier because I know that some have it worse and they shouldn’t have to be in the trenches either. I can be grateful without denying my very real feelings of frustration and overwhelm. I don’t have time to deal with those feelings later because I don’t have the strength to carry them in whatever box I’d otherwise put them in to deal with later.

What kept me from completely losing my grip? Beyond my allegiance to hope, it was art, music, rest, and letting go. I had so many well laid plans but for whatever reason life took umbrage with them. I went from trying to negotiate with the Devil of Disappointment to accepting that maybe I need to let go of some of them. At least for the moment. Once Winter rolled in, I was nearly there and by the turn of the New Year I had made it. I told myself, “We’re going to rest and disconnect.” That was the priority. No working on this year’s birthday gown even though it’s a milestone year (so glad I made it to 40!) , no managing my social calendar, no small projects, just rest and simple enjoyment of what already was. No launching of anything. I was parked.

And it’s done me well. I don’t know if I necessarily feel reinvigorated , but even in my rest I managed to: stabilize the safety and comfort of my housing, course correct my finances and meet my goal of paying off the rest of my student loans, grow an herb garden, continue to nurture relationships with my loved ones, explore new ideas for future creative projects, and make space for when I was ready to reengage.

Which brings me back to this space in what I hope (and plan ::crossess fingerss::) to be a playground I play in regularly. My current capacity can’t keep this blog going the way I originally envisioned – that much is evident – but I can give to it what I can. And in that, I believe I’ll achieve more by doing less.

Happy New Year to you, Happy Birthday to me, and happy moving forward to what comes next!

Truly,

Claire